Today I want to talk about what they SHOULD be teaching you in these “New Parent / Taking Care of Baby” classes they put on right around the same time you’re taking childbirth classes!

Wade and I took these when we were preparing for Tatum.  My personal favorite moment was when the instructor handed Wade an anatomically correct baby doll and asked him how you clean before you re-diaper.  His response?  “Um, that’s why I’m here?”

My how things have changed for us this second time around.  Even with the first kiddo!!  EVERY DAY there’s something new that I think to myself, why didn’t they tell me THIS in class?  THAT would have been helpful!

So here’s my take on if “Child Rearing” was a college degree (and it probably SHOULD be), what the course load might look like….. hypothetically speaking.

–Fluid Volumes 101: Put 4oz in, seconds later 20oz comes back out. Still amazed by this one.

–Diapering 101: I’ve decided lately that this should be a practical lab. Each student gets a completely greased up octopus that’s been injected with copious amounts of sugar or coke or whatever you need to make an octopus insane (I didn’t say this was going to be accurate, right?) and a pack of diapers.  Your grade depends on how well you can get ONE DIAPER on.  For the love of Pete, y’all, how ONE 22lb kid can squirm and worm and twist at that speed with that amount of force is completely beyond my comprehension.

–Diapering 102: Same as above, however this time you get zinc oxide based diaper cream and you have to get it evenly spread on the privates without making a mess.  Really this should probably be a doctorate level class…

–Teething 101: Aw hell. Probably best to just sleep in and skip this class. Otherwise you might never have kids.

–Toddler Supervision 103: This should probably be a practical lab too.  I’m thinking grease up a piglet and piss it off and then let it loose in a toy store. You have to hold on to it for as long as you can. If you lose it, you have to go find it and regain control. (Bonus points if you can be super stealthy about it so the other parents don’t know that’s YOUR kid running wild and without a parent in sight.)

–Eating Out With Kids 101: This one is kind of simple actually.  Don’t do it. I’m serious. Save your sanity.  If you MUST do it, take an electronic device as a crutch. Don’t be afraid of judgement, we ALL swore we would NEVER be THAT parent, and look at us now. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve leaned on that digital crutch a time or two (or maybe several hundred), and if you have ever been in a restaurant with my kids when they’re reaching critical mass, you should THANK ME for saving your dinner.  In the words of Maui from Moana, YOU’RE WELCOME.

–Bedtime 102: Good lord, don’t even.

–Potty Training 101: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *snort*

–Hostage Negotiation: This one you NEED TO ATTEND. For real. I don’t even think we need police negotiators, just grab the nearest mom of a 3-4 year old if you want a PRO to handle the job.  My negotiating skills have NEVER been more on-point than they are at this point in my life. Mama got skills, y’all.

I’m sure there’s all kinds of bonus class opportunities I’m missing here, like perhaps:

• Toddler Extraction Techniques (For when you’re ready to leave, and they’re NOT.)
• Feeding Negotiation (Stuff they NEED to be eating, rather than stuff they WANT.)
• Sticking to your Guns (especially helpful for daddies of daughters, AHEM, Wade)
• Sticker Behavior Charts 102
• Medicating your 1-4 year old (no, not THAT kind of medication, I’m talking actual medical necessity ha!)
• Maintaining your cool, even when you’re not.
• etc.

I mean, really, the list is endless.  How about “Not Saying Things You Don’t Want Repeated” – I’m ridiculously bad at that one.  I would have failed that class for sure.

What are some lessons the rest of you parental types have learned that you NEVER in a million years thought would be a skill or experience you would ever need?  I’d love to hear others opinions!