-“Mommy, what’s that over there, is that a mailbox?”
-“No, honey, it’s a porta potty…”
-“What’s that?”
-“Well, it’s for people who are outside working or can’t get inside to use the restroom for some reason. Basically it’s a tiny plastic potty filled with poop that’s been baking in the Texas sun all day…. they’re really gross and you should only use one if you have no other choice.”
-“oh…… I REALLY want to poop in one someday….”
#toddlerlifegoals
Actual texts to Wade:
Ask me about how, in the span of three minutes TOPS, Tatum (after I specifically warned her not to) gives her 10.5 month old baby brother a chocolate chip granola bar and it looks like the granola/chocolate factory exploded in a 5 ft circle around my son. How CAN that much mess come from one measly granola bar?!?
Also, how can that much drama result from me calmly telling my daughter to please not try to kill her brother with said granola bar?
On second thought, maybe you better not ask me about all this… I think I still have PTSD from it. 😂🙄😡🤦♀️
Today I want to talk about what they SHOULD be teaching you in these “New Parent / Taking Care of Baby” classes they put on right around the same time you’re taking childbirth classes!
Wade and I took these when we were preparing for Tatum. My personal favorite moment was when the instructor handed Wade an anatomically correct baby doll and asked him how you clean before you re-diaper. His response? “Um, that’s why I’m here?”
My how things have changed for us this second time around. Even with the first kiddo!! EVERY DAY there’s something new that I think to myself, why didn’t they tell me THIS in class? THAT would have been helpful!
So here’s my take on if “Child Rearing” was a college degree (and it probably SHOULD be), what the course load might look like….. hypothetically speaking.
–Fluid Volumes 101: Put 4oz in, seconds later 20oz comes back out. Still amazed by this one.
–Diapering 101: I’ve decided lately that this should be a practical lab. Each student gets a completely greased up octopus that’s been injected with copious amounts of sugar or coke or whatever you need to make an octopus insane (I didn’t say this was going to be accurate, right?) and a pack of diapers. Your grade depends on how well you can get ONE DIAPER on. For the love of Pete, y’all, how ONE 22lb kid can squirm and worm and twist at that speed with that amount of force is completely beyond my comprehension.
–Diapering 102: Same as above, however this time you get zinc oxide based diaper cream and you have to get it evenly spread on the privates without making a mess. Really this should probably be a doctorate level class…
–Teething 101: Aw hell. Probably best to just sleep in and skip this class. Otherwise you might never have kids.
–Toddler Supervision 103: This should probably be a practical lab too. I’m thinking grease up a piglet and piss it off and then let it loose in a toy store. You have to hold on to it for as long as you can. If you lose it, you have to go find it and regain control. (Bonus points if you can be super stealthy about it so the other parents don’t know that’s YOUR kid running wild and without a parent in sight.)
–Eating Out With Kids 101: This one is kind of simple actually. Don’t do it. I’m serious. Save your sanity. If you MUST do it, take an electronic device as a crutch. Don’t be afraid of judgement, we ALL swore we would NEVER be THAT parent, and look at us now. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve leaned on that digital crutch a time or two (or maybe several hundred), and if you have ever been in a restaurant with my kids when they’re reaching critical mass, you should THANK ME for saving your dinner. In the words of Maui from Moana, YOU’RE WELCOME.
–Bedtime 102: Good lord, don’t even.
–Potty Training 101: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *snort*
–Hostage Negotiation: This one you NEED TO ATTEND. For real. I don’t even think we need police negotiators, just grab the nearest mom of a 3-4 year old if you want a PRO to handle the job. My negotiating skills have NEVER been more on-point than they are at this point in my life. Mama got skills, y’all.
I’m sure there’s all kinds of bonus class opportunities I’m missing here, like perhaps:
I mean, really, the list is endless. How about “Not Saying Things You Don’t Want Repeated” – I’m ridiculously bad at that one. I would have failed that class for sure.
What are some lessons the rest of you parental types have learned that you NEVER in a million years thought would be a skill or experience you would ever need? I’d love to hear others opinions!
While Wyatt had a MUCH better night and day today, Tatum had probably her worst in a while. She worked Wade and I to the absolute max…
She woke up fairly cranky, and it just got worse from there. We headed to the Farmers Market in McKinney for a little outing and I wrapped Wyatt for a little more practice and she was supposedly going to walk, but instead she tripped (AGAIN) on these damn sandals she has that she insists on wearing everywhere and skinned her left knee. It wasn't bad, but if you know Tatum you know it was a drama fest that ended with her insisting she couldn't walk and making Wade carry her. I wish I'd brought the onbu so I could have worn them both, but I doubt Wade would have let me do that anyway since that makes him look kinda jerky walking all unencumbered while I haul two kids around! Lol!
Of course they also had pony rides and we couldn't get out of there without doing that. At least she was happy for the couple minutes that was going on!
We headed to Lonestar to drop off more stuff for the booth and I ended up taking her in with me while Wade stayed with Wyatt in the car. I'm just realizing I placed the grey frame on the right way too high for someone of normal height so I'm going to have to get back up there this coming week and redo my frames. Poop.
If that isn't an advertisement for a super challenging toddler right there, I don't know what is! 😂😂😂
Then for some unknown reason we decided to take her to lunch at Panera. I won't go into details because it still makes me exasperated to think about it but I came so close to (excuse my french) absolutely losing my shit with her in a public place, which I have never ever done. Ugh. So home we went and all took naps to cool off.
The evening went *better*, and because we're absolute gluttons for punishment we took both kids to El Fenix for dinner. With the aid of the iPad we had a slightly less frustrating meal, but bedtime totally sucked, and now I'm just hoping for any sort of improvement tomorrow.
I know a lot if it is just her age, but dang she is so strong willed, and some of it is we've just spoiled the crap out of her and now we're having to try to backtrack and fix the attitude problem. *sigh* Lessons in parenting….
I spent some time organizing and cleaning out my beads that I'm not going to use tonight and so that settled me a little. Organizing always makes me feel a little more put together for some reason!
Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow!
Doing The Mommy Thing 